Recently I have came out that I’ve been living with HIV for 5 months already & thankfully I am now back in my two feet & now having a positive outlook in life. And yes, I will now abstain from having it with anyone. :) I’d rather not, even if you tell me that I can use a condom. I WILL NEVER TAKE THE RISK. I now see having HIV & sharing it would just harm me eventually & would take my colorful life away from me. That’s how I see it & deal with it. I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX WITH ANY OF YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Now the only thing that bothers me is when people asks me whom I got it from. Who is my carrier? Honestly, I have no idea who gave me this illness. I did not bother at all when I first got the news that I have it. But then months after months, I started to ask myself as well. My friend told me that it is the right thing to inform all my partners & get them tested if they’re free from HIV. Having tested would stop them from spreading the disease & would get them treated before they reach the stage of AIDS.

I’ve received replies from 80% of my partners & informed that they’re negative. Seriously, you guys don’t know how much I am relieved when I got the news they were negative. :)

However, there’s this one person who lied to be. JUST NOW.

I’m a bit irate so I won’t be continuing this blog post of mine. :| 

This is the most accurate dream that I ever had. Not sure if this was a premonition or whut! But I’m sure that it’s too important to document, if it isn’t then I won’t be spending my time inf ront of my mac right now to type all this shit & will just lull myself back to sleep.

It’s a dream where I can fully remember the date but no year, it appears to be December 1 according to my cellphone & a digital ticker inside a bus that says a time (I can’t remeber what time) but the date says 12/01. I was inside a bus along EDSA & I have no idea where I’m going the main gist of my dream was there was a bomb inside MRT and the bus I’m in is located inches away from the MRT rail in EDSA. While the bus is running alongside an MRT train (to be precise I think the direction I’m heading was north) the train suddenly exploded & made a huge impact & blew the bus killed almost 7 of its passengers. >< Not sure if I can fully remember but I’m SURE that I’m one of the people who lost a limb!!! kuhfkjhdhgfhgdfhglf

Another thing is, it happened twice in my dream. :| IT’S FREAKING ME OUT, SRSLY. I woke up around 1AM and started tweeting about that nightmare & saw David posted this photo.

I can fully remember passing through a tunnel that looked EXACTLY like this right after that accident happened!!! shitshitshitshitshitshitkjfhjkdhflkdhfshit ><

I’m not sure if this is a premonition or a nightmare but I have an appointment this December 1 with my friends to see Silent Hill but I AM SO GOING TO CANCEL IT AND WILL ASK THEM TO MOVE IT!!! BECAUSE I AM THIS SCARED TO LOST A LIMB OR EVEN DIE ON A CRASH.

I stated on my twitter that I’m not going out nor ride a bus this december 1 & would freak out if it rains. I didn’t rain in my dream, the event was sunny yet the weird part of my dream is that it rained so hard right after that crash where I am free to roam around in that crash site to see the horror of this aftermath. :| I’m not sure if that’s me, alive or me as a wandering soul. fuch.

I don’t know how to sleep now. I just cannot. :|

This photo is inspired from what I have been feeling lately. I feel locked down by my parents to the extent that I am longing to be able to see what its like outside & what have changed from the past few months.

My freedom & will have been taken away from me. I have no idea when will I get it back or will I even get it back. A lot of things have changed compared from then when I found myself ill days before my father had passed away. I can no longer do the things that I used to do. I can no longer be care-free. I can no longer participate on anything strenuous. I can no longer do something without the consent of my parents. I am shackled, barred & prohibited. Each move that I make is now monitored. I have lost my will to work on my own. I have been stripped down naked.

I have no one to blame, justified, and all I can do now is persevere. Shrouded by darkness, I found a light and little by little these light have now multiplied into stars. These stars are giving me hope that I cannot give up, I can never give up. These stars are my friends who guide me while I continue walking on a path that I can never tell where it ends.

Each day, the darkness would pull me into sorrow & fear. I have my ups & downs but I found in myself a shelter where I could seek for valor & triumph. I am glad that I can easily channel my sorrows by painting my face with colors & wearing costumes. The only freedom I have now is the liberty to express my feelings into photographs.

In spite all this, I will continue to fight this illness & be an inspiration to a whole galaxy of stars in the state of dreaming. In the state of dreaming…